Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
ade! Offline
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#21
 
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them,
"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month." The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed "You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer will-power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know" said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Homebase either." :oops: :oops: :oops:


ade!
ACU? why not add "nt" to the end, you'll get the idea!
27-01-2006, 01:57 PM
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Tom Loughridge Offline
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#22
 
A very nice lady who was badly neglected by her husband was playing golf with her friends from the womens institute, when she knocked her ball into a wood.


On going to find her ball she came across a frog caught in a cage, please nice lady let me out and I will grant you any three wishes in the world, she lets the frog out and the frog thankyou, thankyou what is your first wish.

The lady replies I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world, the frog replies, I must tell you that every wish I grant you your husband will receive twenty times more so he will becaome an Adonis and he will have women throwing themselves at him. That's okay says the lady I will be the most beautiful woman in the world so he will only have eyes for me, so the frog grants her wish.

And your next wish says the frog, the lady replies to be the richest woman in the world, the frog grants her wish.

What is your wish final asks the frog, the lady replies, I would like a mild heart attack, the frog gasps I can't do that it will kill your husband, the lady replies, yeah I know, now hurry up and give me my 'feckin' heart attack or you go back in that cage.
When the flag drops the bullcrap stops
20-02-2006, 10:52 PM
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charlie hulse Offline
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#23
 
Youth is wasted on the under forties !
03-03-2006, 06:13 PM
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charlie hulse Offline
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#24
 
Sent to me by a lady I know...

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?" WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. HMMM, ...OR COULD HE???

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-@#$%# ASKED,





"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
Youth is wasted on the under forties !
03-03-2006, 06:18 PM
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charlie hulse Offline
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#25
 
And a couple more the ladies will relate to and a warning for the men...

HORMONE HOSTAGE

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a
Man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his hands!

Here are possible questions he could ask arranged from dangerous to
Ultra safe:

DANGEROUS -- What's for dinner?
SAFER -- Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST -- Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS -- Are you wearing that?
SAFER -- Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST -- WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS -- What are you so worked up about?
SAFER -- Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST -- Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS -- Should you be eating that?
SAFER -- You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST -- Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS -- What did you do all day?
SAFER -- I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST -- I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some more chocolate

Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a
good laugh AND men who need a warning! And remember:

Money talks...but chocolate sings !


Another thing.........

My husband, who is not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds.

Here, have some chocolate.
Youth is wasted on the under forties !
03-03-2006, 06:24 PM
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ade! Offline
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#26
 
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady,
" why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied,










"We just love the chocolate around them."

ade! Big Grin
ACU? why not add "nt" to the end, you'll get the idea!
03-03-2006, 07:28 PM
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ade! Offline
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#27
 
for all simpsons lovers!
http://www.dailysixer.com/simpsonsintro.shtml
ade!
ACU? why not add "nt" to the end, you'll get the idea!
10-03-2006, 01:51 PM
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Malcolm Offline
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#28
 
The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunities Scheme, and employ people from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment,whereas Ferrari's existing crew can do it in eight seconds with millions of Euros worth of high tech equipment.

Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over the other teams.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first practice session, the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than six seconds, but within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for eight tins of Special Brew, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
14-03-2006, 04:45 PM
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Malcolm Offline
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#29
 
A dad walks through a hotel cocktail bar with his young son. The boy is holding a 50 pence piece Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the 50p and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well-dressed, serious-looking man in a blue business suit is sitting in a very comfy armchair with a glass of brandy to hand, reading his MCN. At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his glass down, neatly folds the rag and places it on the table, gets up from his seat and makes his way, unhurried, across the bar.

Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 50p, which the man deftly catches in his free hand.

Releasing the boy, the man puts the coin in his pocket and walks back to his seat without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts thanking him saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"


"No," the man replies, "I'm on a the commitee of the A*U and we do that kind of thing every day of the week."
18-03-2006, 12:40 AM
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Hilary M Offline
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#30
 
Lol Lol :twisted:
18-03-2006, 05:26 PM
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Cherie Christian Offline
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#31
 
Brilliant Lol Lol Lol I hope you don't mind, I've shared it with a couple of other racing forums 8)
22-03-2006, 09:21 PM
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Hilary M Offline
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#32
 
Glad you liked it Cherie.We have some really serious stuff to discuss here,but we like a good laugh too.Welcome on board
He who dislikes the cat,is himself a longtail
22-03-2006, 10:21 PM
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Cherie Christian Offline
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#33
 
Thanks for the welcome Hilary, I've been about for a while, just hadn't registered! So many forums, so little time Lol
22-03-2006, 10:38 PM
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charlie hulse Offline
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#34
 
Cherie you mean you were just a lurker Lol :oops: Lol
Youth is wasted on the under forties !
22-03-2006, 10:47 PM
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Cherie Christian Offline
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#35
 
Shhhhh - Charlie!!! I thought that was our secret :roll: Lol
22-03-2006, 10:48 PM
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thewitch
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#36
 
Oh, don't encourage him, Cherie!
22-03-2006, 11:38 PM
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Sid from Brigg Offline
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#37
 
While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over), I noticed a
cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop pulled me over,
walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?" I replied, "I'm
late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" I responded,"I'm a
rectum stretcher." The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what
does a rectum stretcher do?" I said, "Well, I start with one finger,
then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole
hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly
stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide." The cop asked me, "What the hell do you
do with a 6 foot arsehole?" I simply replied,"You put it on the ACU Commitee"
03-04-2006, 08:28 PM
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Hilary M Offline
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#38
 
Very apt Lol Lol
He who dislikes the cat,is himself a longtail
04-04-2006, 09:51 AM
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charlie hulse Offline
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#39
Why we love children...!
Why we love children...!

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I cheesed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.
"You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out
and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when
he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy"

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into
the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her
tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that
son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are
you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two
that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught
them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where
Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
the farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy
poo! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm
Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane
Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
Youth is wasted on the under forties !
21-05-2006, 12:41 PM
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Hilary M Offline
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#40
 
Very good Charlie,thanks for those Lol
29-05-2006, 06:45 AM
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