Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
2 stroke nod Offline
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#61
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
His and Her Diaries!!


1. HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and was not engaged.
I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and preoccupied.
Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure
that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.


2. HIS DIARY
My Triumph seems to be misfiring...at least I got laid.
23-08-2008, 07:02 PM
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Malcolm Offline
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#62
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
Thought For Today


[Image: dogblink.gif]

Handle every stressful situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or hump it.

'pee' on it and walk away.
Be right back. I am going to go find myself, and if I leave before I get back, make sure to tell me !! -
11-09-2008, 05:17 PM
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Malcolm Offline
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#63
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and malodorous garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more stinking trash constantly rains from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.


What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... ...


Today you voted.'
Be right back. I am going to go find myself, and if I leave before I get back, make sure to tell me !! -
22-04-2010, 04:03 PM
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Malcolm Offline
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#64
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
Someones idea to try and improve upon overall tyre contact

[Image: daftkwacker.jpg]

Somehow I think the run to Ramsey may be a little rough on this contraption.

Have you seen anything as daft as this ?
Be right back. I am going to go find myself, and if I leave before I get back, make sure to tell me !! -
02-06-2010, 03:56 PM
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Arthur Offline
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#65
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
(02-06-2010, 03:56 PM)Malcolm Wrote:
Someones idea to try and improve upon overall tyre contact

[Image: daftkwacker.jpg]

Somehow I think the run to Ramsey may be a little rough on this contraption.

Have you seen anything as daft as this ?

What,looks like we're back to Dunlop Triangles
04-06-2010, 07:21 PM
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Malcolm Offline
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#66
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
Got home last night to find every door and window wide open with everything inside gone,

I wish these kids would leave my advent calendar alone !!

[Image: adventcalendar.jpg]
15-12-2010, 10:55 PM
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Malcolm Offline
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#67
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.


The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down


The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!


One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..

The barman says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered,

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous..'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know..'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said...








'Mixin-me-toasties.'
Be right back. I am going to go find myself, and if I leave before I get back, make sure to tell me !! -
10-05-2011, 08:42 AM
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Malcolm Offline
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#68
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.


'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.

Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...

So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 PM tonight and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!
27-02-2012, 02:53 PM
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TTNeb Offline
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#69
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
Oxymorons

Act naturally
Airline food
Almost exactly
Alone together
Civil war
Clearly misunderstood
Exact estimate
Friendly fire
Government organisation
Head butt
Hospital food
Jumbo shrimp
Large minority
Military inteliigence
Near miss
Pretty ugly
Random order
Silent scream
Small crowd
Soft rock
Virtual reality
Work party
Everything will be alright in the end. And if it's not alright, it's not yet the end.

22-11-2014, 09:47 PM
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Big thumpa Offline
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#70
Toungue  RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
IOM TT.COM Dodgy Bye Censored
22-11-2014, 10:00 PM
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Malcolm Offline
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#71
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
You never know what goes on in the mind of a little one!

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn’t seen for ages. Everyone was encouraged to bring their children.

All through the meal my wife’s best friend's four year old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. 

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food and patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to ignore her but finally it was too much for me. 

I asked her, “Why are you staring at me?” 

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response. 

The little girl said, “I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish.
25-11-2014, 11:16 PM
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Big thumpa Offline
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#72
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.
06-12-2014, 09:40 AM
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Big thumpa Offline
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#73
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
Me and the wife were Christmas shopping in Glasgow yesterday. Buchanan St was absolutely mobbed , and as the wife walked down the precinct she was surprised when she looked around to find that I was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because we had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called me on her mobile phone to ask where I was.
I said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
My wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
"Well, I'm in the pub next door."
06-12-2014, 09:42 AM
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Big thumpa Offline
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#74
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
A man purchased a new Ducati to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the A roads for a nice evening ride. it was a cracking night, the roads were virtually empty and the sun was still shining, so he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Ducati," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 120, 140........Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The police cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the bike. "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
06-12-2014, 09:44 AM
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TTNeb Offline
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#75
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
Christmas Carols for this PC world

The Rocking Carol

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground,
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All Policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labeled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'Cash for Gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC Routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camel feet.
Everything will be alright in the end. And if it's not alright, it's not yet the end.

07-12-2014, 11:47 AM
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TTNeb Offline
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#76
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
Take time to enjoy the ludicrous, especially teachers at this stressful time of term...

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the HSE
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And PS2 would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth
Everything will be alright in the end. And if it's not alright, it's not yet the end.

07-12-2014, 11:54 AM
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Malcolm Offline
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#77
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
A fella goes into his local bank and says to the manager, "I'd like to borrow £100,000 to open a cheese factory in Cheshire. It's gonna be great."

"Wow, hold on a minute", says the bank manager. "Oh no , There's already a company called Cheshire Cheese - you're gonna have to come up with something better than that."

The guy comes back next week, and says, "Right I've got it. I want to borrow £200,000 to open a cheese factory in France. It's gonna be called Brie Cheese."

"Oh Lordy No I'm afraid that one's already there too," says the bank manager. "Brie Cheese is world famous, so I can't lend you the money for that."

In a last ditch attempt, the man comes back in the following week. "Right", says the man, "I've got it. I want to borrow £500,000 to open a cheese factory in Israel."

"Oh well now thats clever, now we're talking," says the bank manager. "What are you going to call it?"

( wait for it ..........................................)

The man says, "Cheeses of Nazareth."
18-12-2014, 12:24 AM
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Malcolm Offline
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#78
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint..,,,,

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The longer robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint...,,,,,,

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your bottom and go as a feckin toffee apple..,,,,,,
08-01-2015, 09:13 PM
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TTNeb Offline
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#79
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
What do you call two policemen?


A pair of navy blue nickers.
Everything will be alright in the end. And if it's not alright, it's not yet the end.

17-01-2015, 07:32 PM
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Keith Pursglove Offline
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#80
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of  humus and Taramasalata.

It's a double dip recession
If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
20-01-2015, 12:43 PM
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