Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
Malcolm Offline
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#81
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. 

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

 The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." 

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down." 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down How does a glass of water do that?" 

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...



(This can be used by changing the sexes about of course).
29-01-2015, 12:26 AM
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BRADDAN OAK Offline
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#82
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs Parks, asked her class, " which human body part increases 10 times its size when stimulated?. No one answered until Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will tell the Principal, who will fire you!".
Mrs Parks ignored her and asked the question again. Mary's mouth fell open ,"Boy ,she is going to get into big trouble".
The teacher ignored her again and continued, "anybody? ". Finally, Billy stood up, looked round nervously ,and said,
The body part that increases10 times it's size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye,"
Mrs Parks said "Very good Billy." She then turned to Mary and said, "As for you young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a very dirty mind, Two, you didn't read your homework, and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.
 
10-02-2015, 11:26 AM
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TTNeb Offline
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#83
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
Love it Braddan Oak ;o)
.
Everything will be alright in the end. And if it's not alright, it's not yet the end.

11-02-2015, 06:16 PM
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BRADDAN OAK Offline
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#84
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
JAPANESE SEX.
A Japanese couple were having an heated argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex.
HUBAND--------- SUKITAKI
WIFE-----------------KOWANINI
HUSBAND----------TOKA A AMJI RODI ROUNNJI YAKOO
WIFE ON KNEES BEGGING---------- MIMI NAOUNDINELE
HUSBAND----------- NA MIAOU KINA TINI KOUJI
scroll down








I cannot believe you just sat and tried to read this, As if you understood Japanese.
UNBELIEVEABLE
I knew you would read anything about sex

YOU NEED HELP.
 
13-02-2015, 09:58 PM
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BRADDAN OAK Offline
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#85
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
A man and his ever nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While there his wife passed away suddenly.
The undertaker told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for£5000, or you can bury her here for£150".
The husband thought about this and said that he would have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked," Why would you spend £5000 to ship your wife home, when you can bury her here for £150."
The husband replied "Long, long ago a man died here, and 3 days later rose from the dead."
And You must understand," I JUST CANNOT TAKE THE RISK".
 
19-03-2015, 11:04 AM
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Malcolm Offline
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#86
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man, you look tired."

His buddy says: "I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day and I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about 65 or so, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:

"Marry her. That'll soon put a stop to it."
24-03-2015, 11:13 AM
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Yamanx Offline
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#87
General Election
[Image: jh5zrp.jpg]


"By all means think yourself big, but never think others small........."  R.F. Scott
24-04-2015, 01:08 PM
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ian huntly Offline
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#88
RE: General Election
We had the UKIP candidate yesterday.................

Tasted great with some Fava Beans and a bottle of Chianti !!
Crazydance

In 2015 I celebrate 68 years as a devoted TTFan

Bookingfor 2016 !!
06-05-2015, 10:08 AM
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Blademan Offline
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#89
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
Andy wanted a pair of Sidi boots to replace his shabby old pair and seeing some on sale in his size he bought them and as soon as he arrived home put them on. Walking proudly into the kitchen he said to his wife Emma " notice anything different about me" Emma gave a quick glance, "no" she said.
Andy stormed off to the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for his new boots, again he asked Emma, a little louder this time "Notice anything different NOW?"
Emma looked up and said "Andy, what's different? nothing, it's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"
Furious, Andy yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, EMMA?"
"No" she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

Without changing her expression, Emma replied "you should've bought a new helmet then"
08-02-2016, 09:17 PM
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Azman Offline
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#90
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
Steam Racket are reducing prices next year.................now that's a Joke!



"Its turned out quite nice ....." Beer2
Riggsy
24-05-2016, 10:18 AM
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Malcolm Offline
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#91
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
Just been to the gym tonight and they've got a new machine in.

I only used it for half an hour then I started to feel sick.

It's great though.

It does everything - Kit Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.




NEWS JUST IN FROM THE USA.

You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans --relax, here is our real problem.  

In a Purdue University classroom recently, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty simple.

The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.  

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections!  

They breed, and they walk among us...

Lord -- we need more help than we thought we did!  

No wonder more than half of graduating college students can't find a job!




The wife asked me, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later I arrived back home with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asked me, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

I replied, "Because they had avocados"

(This post was last modified: 05-02-2018, 10:18 PM by Malcolm.)
05-02-2018, 10:09 PM
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Dogsbody Offline
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#92
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
Might amuse the older members
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uo0KjdDJr1c
06-02-2018, 09:58 AM
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TTNeb Offline
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#93
RE: Why we love children...!
(21-05-2006, 12:41 PM)charlie hulse Wrote: Why we love children...!

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I cheesed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.
"You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy  thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out
and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when
he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me  tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't  dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy"

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress.  
Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into
the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her
tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that
son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are
you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two
that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught
them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where
Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
the farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy
poo! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm
Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane
Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
Very amusing 🤣
Everything will be alright in the end. And if it's not alright, it's not yet the end.

15-04-2018, 08:33 PM
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BRADDAN OAK Offline
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#94
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
MY WIFE IS A RIGHT MOOD, SOMEONE AS TAKEN A PAIR OF HER PANTS OFF THE WASHING LINE.
SHE IS NOT BOTHERED ABOUT GETTING THE PANTS BACK, SHE JUST WANTS THE 12 PEGS BACK.
 
01-09-2018, 07:14 AM
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Nasher Offline
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#95
RE: Jokes, Humour, Funny Stories - Post Them Here
Why do I ride a motorbike?

Because rugby & football only require one ball
01-09-2018, 12:13 PM
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